Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | March 7, 2011

Banging Raccoons

So I finally had a chance to get back in front of people and tell some “jokes” tonight.  Oprah and Kirstie in one set…amazing.   It almost got me in more trouble than the bestiality references.

This is how it went down…Parts of this have surely been used by someone else…the African/Asian part hardly seems original, so I figured it was already in my brain somewhere…and surely “borrowed.”

Me:  So…do we have any animal lovers here?

Crowd:  Smattering of claps.

Me:  Love them enough not to eat them?

Crowd: Surprisingly similar amounts of clapping. 

(This caught me by surprise…and made me add this on the fly)

Me:   That’s a larger response than I expected…I might be in trouble up here.  My theory is that we are getting spoiled.  We spend more in month on our cell phones than an Ethiopian family spends on food for a year…and we are pissed off about OUR economy.

Me:  Have you seen any pictures from Ethiopia?   What are they missing? 

Me:  Other than undergarments…or dental products…

Me:  Pets!

Me:  There are none.  They’re gone.   I’m not insinuating that they ate them all, but look at it like this…if someone puts a box of Dunkin Donuts in Oprah’s dressing room and then leaves…and when they come back, the doughnuts are gone…you can kind of guess what happened even if Oprah isn’t covered in powered sugar.

Me:   The Asians have an efficient food chain, they feed their garbage to their pets so they can fatten them up…and then eat them.    Just add some Duck Sauce and no one can’t tell the difference between a pig and…uh…Mr. Whiskers.   

Me:  I do love pet names here in America…Fluffly, Rover, Smokey.   In Korea, the names are a little different the popular one’s are smoked, grilled and Flambe’.

Me:  Don’t get me wrong, I love animals too…unless they keep me up at night.    Our animals are “fixed,” but my neighbor has a female cat that apparently isn’t.   She is quite popular with the other cats in the neighborhood, despite being suspiciously fattened up by the Chinese lady living at the end of the street.    Fat doesn’t matter to cats…I’ll bet Kirstie Alley hopes to come back as one.

(Actual booing.)

Me:   The other night, in the middle of a deep sleep, I heard the loudest howling coming from the back yard.    I assumed it was the cat, but it turned out to be a couple of raccoons.   I thought, at first they were fighting, but just the opposite.

Me:  The “session” they were having was loud enough that it was no secret and made me consider that I just might be doing something wrong during my own lovemaking sessions.  I couldn’t help but think, “What were they experiencing that made them make all this noise?”  So I watched them as they continued.

Me:   After a couple of minutes of watching them, I figured that I learned enough to try it…

Me:  Everything would have been a little easier if a wild raccoon was easier to catch…and I probably would have made much less of a racket myself if I would have actually caught the female.


  1. They actually booed?!?! Pfsst! Uptight!

  2. It was a “large” crowd…and not in numbers.

  3. Funny at the sake of your own pride. Touché.

    Booing? But not at the Ethiopian jokes? At Kristie Alley? Weird. It’s amazing what will offend people.

  4. Hm, I guess you need the right audience for fat jokes to work!

  5. wow, booing not necessary… i laughed!

  6. All these comments on the booing…

    Am I the only one who gets how hysterical the raccoon joke was?

    Wait…. that was a joke… right?

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