This is something new again. I now have the ability to leave this open next to me and write all day as something pops into my head…this is raw. If something is inaccurate factually or…whatever…go to fact check on me.
1. NY City disputes census totals.
—-many of those people murders were technically breathing in 2010 and should count in the totals for that year.
—- rats over 3′ should actually be counted.
—- take Donald Trump off of our list; he lives in Jersey.
—- a cab should be able to be listed as a dwelling.
2. Orlando Sentinel Reporter forced to hide in a closet during a Joe Biden fundraiser.
—- he considered “coming out of the closet” but heard George Michael was there.
3. Harry Coover, inventor of Super Glue dies at 94
—-he is survived by his son, George, breaker of mothers dishes.
4. Miley Cyrus is going on her world tour.
—-Remember Me Tour
—-in three years I’ll be arrested for stealing a necklace tour
—-money for a boob job to stay relevant tour
—-The Maybe I’ll Get Abducted in Mexico and Get Away from My Crazy Family Tour
—-The Holding Me Over Until I Can do Playboy Tour
—-The Get me out of the House so my Dad doesn’t Smoke my Dope Tour
5. Undercover Boss picked up for a third season
—-Obama had to back out since it meant that he would actually have to spend a whole week at the White House.
6. Test scores in DC Public schools increase
—-DC education officials are boasting test score improvements 10 times of the previous levels. Their proficiency rate went from 10% to 58%
7. Vince Neal domestic assault charges
—-he beat up his girlfriend for calling out Bret Michael’s name during sex.
—-they went to her place for the first time and there was a Bon Jovi poster on the wall.
8. Prince William bachelor party
—-To give this party all the flare of a high profile American celebrity bachelor party, the Brit’s pulled out all the stops. But Charlie Sheen was available so they invited the crazed Brit alive…Patrick Stewart.
9. Black Swan dancers are revolting against Natalie Portman.
—-think this is a fake pregnancy, she has the breasts of a 12 year old boy.
—-there were 20 male dancers on the staff and she stole the only straight one.
10. Japanese radiation concerns increase
—-Toy production continues to surge as toys from Japan with radiation can be sold as “glow in the dark.”
11. Trump calls for Obama to release Birth certificate
—-and we ask for rabies tag for that thing on his head.
12. Simpsons episodes pulled in Canada for nuclear issues.
—-wimps. The manliest Canadian is Melissa Etheridge.
13. Oprah announces date of final show
—-not soon enough
14. Women’s College basketball is a better game than Men’s
—-I guess the whole world is wrong except for lesbians.
—-but no one watches. If I had a pile of poo and a pile of steak in front of me, which one gets eaten?