Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | July 15, 2011

Crapping in the Garage


The call from my wife comes at noon, “Do you want to go out dinner with the kids?”

She knows that I don’t want to, but that’ll I say yes in order to get our one “weekend event” out of the way as early as possible.

“Since you are getting off early (a rarity,) do you want to come home first or meet straight there?”

Knowing that my wife cannot just go to one place combined with my “need” to be home 45 minutes after any Italian meal, I let her know that we can meet there…and I can still get home at my regular time. I have a writing project to finish tonight so I can start my next one before Monday comes.

The meal went as well as can be expected and we were leaving separately. Half way home, she called me and, what a surprise, she was going the other direction to shop somewhere for more stuff made in China that will stick in my foot when I step on it at 4:30am.

I get home, mix an adult beverage and clean off my work area to finish up a script that has been dodging me for a while. Cleaning this space is like getting a fresh start. The baseball game was getting ready to start, which is the perfect background for my creativity…because baseball is good.

The phone rings.

I ignore it at first, I’ll let the machine get it. I never want to talk to anyone…especially now.

I recognize the voice as my wife.

Wife: “Uh…I’m stranded. The kids turned on the blowers in the van with the ignition off and now the van is completely dead.”

Me: “Did you try turning everything off and trying.”

Wife: “Yes. Do you want me to call the service company.”

Me: “No. I’m coming.”

Wife: “Thanks dear. I love you.”

Me: “Try the van again.”

Wife: “Dead.”

As the ice melts in my drink, I grab the cables and leave.

It took me 20 minutes to drive exactly 5.1 miles there.

It took me 60 seconds to jump start the van.

That is when IT struck me.

The Italian dinner!!!!!!!

And I was 5 miles from home…in shitty traffic.

Twenty five minutes home.

For the first time since I VERY BAD experience in our garage when I was six, I thought I was going to crap my pants.

Somehow, I made it.

I took care of my “business,” downed my room temperature adult beverage and made a pot of coffee.

Change of plans…but, I did get a good story out of it…which I always like.

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Responses

  1. Why does the blower operate if the engine is off? Was the car left in that semi-on position so all the gadgets operate but the engine hadn’t been started?

    • I think you’re missing the point of this story…

      • Right. “Why?” missed my list of issues…I was thinking about whether or not our carpet shampooer had an attachment for car seats.

  2. Good story. Glad you made it home. It could have been ugly. 🙂

  3. We went on vacation and we were in the middle of nowhere in New Mexico when “it” hit my husband. He had to go behind our truck (we were hauling a side by side) in front of the trailer. Nothing in site for what we thought were miles when he was all situated a gang of motorcycles drove by. I never let him live it down. 🙂

  4. We have a friend who has a plethora of poop stories. My favorite one is when he was driving home from work in his wife’s car and he REALLY had to go. He’s one of those who can’t poop somewhere other than at home. He knew he was in trouble, so he managed to grab a floor mat and position it underneath himself so that when he could no longer wait, he didn’t damage the upholstery on the driver’s seat.

    I’m kinda disappointed your story ended without any messy accidents 😉

    • Thanks for rooting FOR the mess. My issue isn’t that I don’t want to…but my body just shuts down. Tomatoes are the only thing impervious to my brains ability to shut down my digestive system.


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