Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | May 30, 2012

NFL Retirees Case Dismissed

MINNEAPOLIS- NFL Retirees left the courthouse discouraged after U.S District Judge Susan Richard Nelson dismissed a lawsuit filed against the NFL Players Association (NFLPA) for post-career benefits they insist they were promised during Collective Bargaining Agreement lockout talks with the NFL Owners last year.

While Michael Hausfeld, lead attorney for the retired players, indicated they would appeal to the 8th Circuit Court, the retired players’ reaction was not as civilized.

One unnamed retired player questioned the validity of the judgement by an “obviously transgender judge with both a man and a woman’s name.” He added, “I don’t care if they pee standing up or sitting down, but…damn it…I have to (edited for content) in this bag.”

The retired player proceeded to pull his colostomy bag out for public viewing before he was whisked away.

In question were health insurance and retirement benefits the retired players indicate they were promised by members of the NFLPA prior to being refused access to the direct negotiations with the NFL Owners.

Representatives of the NFLPA indicate that the retired players were invited to the negotiations, but failed to arrive after being distracted by the late-afternoon buffet next to the convention center where the negotiations were taking place.

One former Minnesota Vikings and current Washington Redskins player who requested to stay “unanimous” stated, “Look. It’s not like we don’t try to help the old guys out sometimes. I even let one of them serve drinks on my Party Boat, until he started touching my ‘bitches’ and I had to throw him off.”

Some of the retired players, like Carl Eller, had already made plans for the cash he would receive for the NFLPA negotiations.

“I was gonna buy a new hat,” he solemnly announced.

All is not lost for the retired players. They have one case to be heard regarding concussions in Los Angeles Superior Court and another involving loans made to Fran Tarkenton for hair care products in the 1970’s.

The case to be heard in Los Angeles Superior Court involving the impacts concussions suffered during their playing careers caused by negligence of the NFL Teams and equipment manufacturers at their expense. Some players have reported having short term memory loss, headaches and speech difficulties.

Dexter Manley and Alex Karras were recently removed from as Plaintiffs after it was revealed that, since early childhood, Manley suffered from these symptoms whenever he was at a school or even near a book and Karras for his performance in Webster.

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