Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | August 20, 2012

Cola Out; Handjobs in


Portland, OR- As a part of its’ 2012-2013 school year battle against obesity, the Portland Public School system has banned the tradition of getting a Coca-Cola and popcorn from all sporting events, leaving concessionaires out of work.

Mary Norton graduated from Portland in 1989 and has been managing concessions at the Larry Williams Memorial Football Field for the past twenty years, “Two years ago they cut the deep-fried Crisco balls and last year they made us disconnect the gravy tap on the side of the building, but we didn’t see this coming.”

The program, touted by Superintendent of School George Batholwitz, is an attempt to get the Portland School System in line with Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” program aimed reducing the nation’s obesity crisis.

Norton countered, “Don’t punish me.  The school already has a plan for what to do with the fat ones…that’s what the softball team is for.

The goal of  “Let’s Move,” as publicized by the First Lady, is to cut childhood obesity from 20% to 5% in a single generation by pretending that certain foods are both nutritious and palatable.   An unnamed member of the First Lady’s staff insists that, “…children weren’t obese until George Bush stole the Presidency from Gore.   I think the shock of the situation scared them into these bad eating habits.”

This decision all but ensures the closing of the Larry Williams Memorial Concession Trailer for the Norton family.

“We’ve been running this trailer since the Mulligans turned if over to us twenty years ago.”  Mary added, “I don’t even know if this thing will move once we pump up the tires and then what’ll I do with all of Bob’s trophies.”

Robert “Bob” Norton was the star tailback for the Portland High football team from 1975 to 1977 before marrying Mary Wyatt in June of 1989, the summer she graduated.    The happy couple had their first of three children, Robert “Bobby” Norton, Jr., three months later followed by Julie in 1990.

The impact of this decision by the Portland School Board will hit the Norton’s hard.  Bob has been out of work since the plant closed and a skirmish in the parking lot after a softball tournament has left both Bob and Bobby unable to secure employment and dependent on a medicinal marijuana prescription to ease their pain.    Other than supplemental, and unsteady support by their daughter,  Mary’s income from the concession stand has been the only source of the Norton’s income.

Mary concluded, “I really don’t know what is next for us.  If these Kelp Burgers don’t sell, I guess I’ll go back to helping Julie give $10 hand jobs under the bleachers.   It got me through High School.”

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Responses

  1. That’s just ridiculously funny. Where do you come up with this stuff? You should submit this to “The Onion”. LMAO

    • They don’t need my help…they do their thing fine on their own. This is only a small peak into my brain.

      • I’m sure they are always in the market for talent.

  2. This would make a funny mockumentary style skit on a comedy/variety show.

    • Thanks. I “saw” it like that as I was writing it. I threw a couple of hard to “read” things that would be better seen than read.

  3. If there’s an extra gravy tap laying around, I’ll take it.


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