1. A twelve year old girl survived an attack by a bear over the weekend, handlers are confirming that if you are attacked by a bear, it is best to play dead. But, if you are attacked by a cougar, you should double your dose of Valtrex.
2. Despite calls for his resignation for sexual harassment, San Diego mayor Bob Filner reports to work today after completing a rehabilitation course, which according to Lindsay Lohan, is five short…and a sit down with Oprah, of actually being cured.
3. Supporters of San Diego Mayor Bob Filner keeping his job point to the fact that it isn’t like he groped and harassed 17 women.
4. The U.S. Gov’t appears to be ready to support athletes protesting against Russia’s ban on homosexuals. Gov’t representatives add that a person’s sexuality should be the business of partners and their NSA agents.
5. Holiday Inn is hoping to rebrand themselves after a $1 Billion makeover. The new campaign should position the 61 year old chain better in the marketplace than after the failed slogans of “We’re not the same Holiday Inn you contracted VD in the 1990s” or “Crabs Yesterday; Bed Bugs Today.”