Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 10, 2014

Off My Medication 11-10-14

FBI crime statistics released today show that Detroit had the highest homicide rate among the nation’s big cities in 2013.   Detroit officials responded by saying, “We aren’t THAT big.”
A former University of North Carolina football player filed a lawsuit over the university faking classes and grades that never actually existed depriving him of an education…or at least he went to the courthouse to file suit, but mistakenly just ended up applying for a barber’s license.
Michelle Obama has already come out against America’s favorite meat…bacon.  And, today, President Obama took the firm position against high speed Internet confirming that someone is poisoning the White House water supply.
The U.S. Postal Service confirmed today that it has been victimized by a security intrusion into their communication system making Russian hackers the first to find a way to infect a rotary phone.
Leaders of China and Japan met during an Asian Summit and exchange an awkward handshake and even they couldn’t tell which one of them was Chinese and which was Japanese.
Due to the accidental poisoning of American children mistaking newly designed laundry detergent pods for candy, manufacturers are scrambling to make packaging less appealing to kids.  They are now placing a photo of their local Catholic parish priest on each pod.

An overhaul of the Pizza Hut menu is in the works.  They are hoping ‘ginger’ and ‘curry’ crusts might reverse their recent U.S. sales slide.   Maybe they should consider a Mountain Fresh flavor.
Government officials are hoping to avoid the sign up problems of last year by turning over operations to those most familiar with the inner workings of the American Internet…Russian hackers.
It isn’t just the Jewish population upset at Nicki Minaj about her new video “Only” use of Nazi imagery.  The Dictator’s Union has released a statement bashing the unrealistic video because that no maniacal leader could ever have an ass that would distract people from their tyranny.
Three more people were arrested by Fort Lauderdale police for violating a new city ordinance restricting groups from feeding the homeless outside.  Fort Lauderdale officials insist they’re just trying to beat San Antonio in the Homeless Biggest Loser contest.
After bombarding our TVs weather broadcasts with talk of the Polar Vortex for the entire winter of 2103, meteorologist are now correcting everyone saying last years crushing winter wasn’t the Polar Vortex…and what we are getting ready to get hit with won’t be the Polar Vortex either.  Thanks, meteorologists, for making me have to sit through the ‘smartest guy in the office’ repeating all the new crap you’re calling it this year.

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