Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | June 18, 2015
Off My Medication 6-18-15
1. During an interview on the Today Show, Rachel Dolezal denied she is a white woman pretending to be black, claiming that she’s not sure her white parents are her real parents by saying, ‘I haven’t had a DNA test.’ Producers immediately ran to the roof and turned on a signaling beam, alerting Maury of the emergency.
2. It is being reported that Brian Williams, who became embroiled in controversy over the exaggeration of events in his past, will not return as the NBC Nightly News anchor, but will be assigned to handling emergency events on MSNBC…like fixing Ronan Farrow’s hair during commercial breaks.
3. Insiders are revealing that Donald Trump hired $50 actors for his Presidential announcement. The Donald was able to get them on short notice since he had a lot of connections with out-of-work and available actors from Celebrity Apprentice.
4. AT&T is claiming a bait and switch tactic was used after saying they were offered a deal for $75 million by the Justice Department only to have an extra 25% tacked in the agreement fine print that went unnoticed before signature. AT&T officials were heard initially protesting, saying that, “… they recognize this tactic because they…er…nevermind.”
5. Planned Parenthood announced that they are launching a new service allowing people to be screened for chlamydia and gonorrhea by simply using an app on their cell phone. Fortunately the app, once installed, will not be able to be removed and will render it ineligible for service provider return programs regardless of the test results.
6. The Florida village of Wellington is forcing a Bill Gates Trust to pay $30,000 in fines. The court documents are only referring to a ‘horse manure issue.’ Insider information from Wellington officials indicate that ‘Horse Manure’ was the project name given to the installation of Windows 8 as their new operating systems.
7. Frederic Auburtin, the director of ‘United Passions’, the $30 million propaganda-filled film about the world soccer body FIFA that grossed only $918 in the U.S. says that he’s now I’m seen “as bad as the guy who brought AIDS to Africa” or the guy “who caused the financial crisis or FIFA President Sepp Blatter.
8. An official at the California Labor Commission dismissed Uber’s claim that their drivers are actual employees and not independent operators of their smart phone-based ride hailing service . The ruling opens to door for drivers to obtain insurance, but they will probably not be able to touch as many of the riders.