1. In a Bleacher Report interview, NY Knicks President Phil Jackson criticized the individualistic style of play of LeBron James. Jackson indicated that he longs for the days when non-athletic pasty guys could get together in an empty gym and pass a basketball around while wearing testicle choking shorts.
2. Passengers aboard a United Airlines flight from Rome to Chicago finally reached their destination late Sunday after a 30-hour delay due to a disgruntled passenger. Upon arriving in Chicago, the unruly passenger apologized, saying he mistakenly thought the plane was being diverted to Cleveland, explaining his reaction.
3. KFC says tests of a viral photo of an oddly-shaped fried chicken tender was ‘a hoax,’ and not a rat. Sadly, the analysis was actually a comparative taste test at a local Korean restaurant, confirming it wasn’t a rat.
4. Following the recent events in South Carolina, Walmart, Amazon and eBay quickly proclaimed that confederate themed goods would be pulled from their stock. Sears attempted to join with in the other major retailers, but unfortunately, it wasn’t 1990 and they were forced to sit in the room and wait to announce with JoAnn Fabrics.
5. A Stanford study warns that the earth has entered its sixth mass extinction phase and the time we have to avoid dramatic consequences is rapidly running out. Scientists advise that we must not repeat the mistakes made during the Paleozoic Era not heading the warnings of the Einsteinasaurus.
6. The first major lead into the whereabouts of escaped murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat came with the discovery of prison-issue underwear in a remote hunting cabin in upstate New York. The mothers of the two escapees issues a joint statement announcing that they were pleased with their boys for packing clean underwear before their trip.
Posted in humor, humour, jokes, not funny, Off My Medication, offensive, satire, stand-up, writing | Tags: Amazon, Cleveland, David Sweat, Dinosaurs, EBay, Escape, Extinct, JoAnn Fabrics, KFC, LeBron James, NY Knicks, Pasty, Phil Jackson, Rats, Richard Matt, sears, Underwear, United Airlines, Walmart