Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 26, 2014

Thanksgiving Cheer

It’s that time of year again.

Ignore the Buckles on My Jacket

It is time for the annual Thanksgiving story…this year…put to prose…

Thanksgiving Cheer

By Steve Burgess (@ElectricianPlus)

It was Thanksgiving morning

Of my seventh year

We were headed to Grandma’s

For some Holiday cheer

My siblings in tow to the Hornet we went

But mother saw, I had angst for this event

Each year, it was a struggle

I remembered it well

Mother had a big problem

An issue to quell

Not a thing to do with the Lions losing

Or my dad, stuffed, in the La-Z-Boy snoozing

It was the candied yams

Covered in marshmallow

And creamy green beans smothered

With Portobello?

The marshmallows were topped with some kind of nut

Every year my defense would get lost in rebut



Mother said she could fix this

“You should worry naught”

They taste nasty when cold, but

“It tastes better hot”

She spoke with confidence.  She had to be right

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Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 24, 2014

Off My Medication 11-24-14

China announced today that one of their top Olympian swimmers had a positive test three months ago and has finished serving her suspension.   Chinese officials later apologized for the late announcement and said that they will immediately return to not telling anyone about anything.
Ex-DC Mayor, Marion Berry, passed away this weekend at the age of 78.   Representatives indicate he was comfortable with leaving this earth since he already had the torch passing exchange earlier this year with ex-Toronto Mayor Rob Ford…make that the crack pipe exchange.
President Obama said, in an interview this weekend, that voters generally fall in love with the ‘New Car’ smell of a fresh politician and that it takes a while for them to recognize them as the scent of ‘Freshly Scraped from the Bottom of a Shoe.’
Today, Netflix released a suggestion list of thirteen movies to watch during the Thanksgiving.  The list was previously titled ’13 movies it’s better to fall asleep after watching the first 15 minutes.’
After a round of golf this weekend with former Derek Jeter in Las Vegas, President Obama told the former Yankees’ captain not to worry about taking care of the club restroom attendant since he just gave him a tip by granting his whole family citizenship.
E-Cigarettes from China are spreading Malware through their USB charger.  Manufacturers are downplaying the issue since they stuck a warning label on the side of each one.
“The Queen Latifah Show” will be ending after this season.   After sub par season one ratings, Queen Latifah vowed to be more like herself for season two, and the ratings actually got worse.   I could’ve told her this wouldn’t work since I tried the same strategy between the 9th and 10th grade.
The New York Times has re-established itself as the pillar of American journalism by correcting an article where they refer to quotes from Kanye West comparing his butt to Kim Kardashian’s.
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 20, 2014

Off My Medication 11-20-14

‘Achocolypse’ is being used to describe the expected chocolate shortage due a lack of workers in Africa to pick the beans.  The word ‘Achocolypse’ was chosen for this horrible condition because ‘Ebola’ was already taken.
Netflix and NBC both announced they postponing Bill Cosby’s upcoming stand-up comedy special and sitcom despite the fact that he was nice enough to mix them drinks during their negotiations.
Former Virginia Democrat Senator Jim Webb announces the opening of a Exploratory Committee to become Hillary’s first 2016 victim.
North Korea responded to United Nation threats by inviting former Chicago Bulls shooting guard Craig Hodges to hang with Kim Jong Un for the weekend.

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 19, 2014

Off My Medication 11-19-14

With approximately 50% of the United States covered in snow, Republicans are claiming their recent election victory also cured the world of global warming.   But now, you say that you’re ass deep in show and can’t get anywhere, the Republicans respond with, ‘You’re welcome!”
In anticipation of President Obama’s big executive action immigration announcement tomorrow in Las Vegas, the city is getting ready by setting the over/under at five million.
The NY Times reports that MSNBC host and civil rights leader Al Sharpton owes more than $4.5 Million in federal and state taxes.   Remarkable though, that he only owes his tailor and suit maker $21.75.
Last night, CNN host Don Lemon asked a woman accusing Bill Cosby of drugging and raping her, why she just didn’t bite him and therefore, completely reversing the stereotype that gay men actually ‘get’ women.
The Smoking Gun is reporting that a 350 pound man was arrested at a Walmart sitting on stolen ribeye steaks while on his scooter.   This is completely discriminatory, bringing his weight into the story.   It was at Walmart, it can just be assumed that he was 350 pounds.
NTSB indicates that Government aircraft regulations will apply to drones, which means that, prior to takeoff, users will be charged extra for things that used to be free and get frisked by a complete stranger.
Washington DC Mayor Vincent Gray rejected a corruption probe plea deal saying that he’d feel better being judged by a panel of his peers…former DC Mayors.
The future mother-in-law of Charles Manson says she’s concerned about her daughter’s engagement, but it isn’t like she’s marrying an NFL running back.
The NFL suspended Adrian Peterson for the remainder of the season giving him more time to add to his Facebook ”Which States do you Have a Baby Momma in” map.
This week, states are taking part in a national initiative designed to increase the number of 1st generation students pursuing a higher education…since everyone who’s already attended a state funded college is too far in debt to have another family member qualify for a student loan.
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 17, 2014

Off My Medication 11-17-14

Amazon is promoting a personalized letter from Santa.  For $13 your child can get a handwritten letter from a dude sitting in his underwear in his mom’s basement.
Alaskan researchers report that they witnessed seals sexually assaulting penguins while being studied.  When asked about the assaults, the seals merely shook their heads, ignoring the questions.
U2 front man Bono injured his arm in a Central Park cycling accident and now needs surgery, forcing him to cancel his appearance on The Tonight Show.   Bill Cosby was seen throwing himself down a flight of stairs trying to get out of his Letterman appearance this week.
Hannibal Burress finally received the celebrated ‘anti-blue’ message from Bill Cosby, except his wasn’t a phone call like every other black comedian.  His was taped to the brick that flew through this window.
DEA agents conducted surprise inspections of NFL medical staff since the agents have free weekends now that so many states have abolished their marijuana laws. 
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 12, 2014

Off My Medication 11-12-14

BBC News is reporting that German tourists were accused this week of stealing ancient artifacts from an Egyptian great pyramid.  They would’ve gotten away with it if they hadn’t burned their hands on a hot medallion that fell into a roaring fire.
CNN Headline News personality Nancy Grace being sued for falsely accusing a ‘selfie stalker’ on her show.    Her attorneys are arguing that it really isn’t defamation since no one was actually watching her show.
On day one of President Obama’s trip to China, the United States reached an agreement for China to reduce emissions goals five years after the United States, or, according to ‘Joe Biden Math,’ exactly at the same time.

A New Jersey lawmaker said on Monday that he doesn’t want Atlantic City to “become Detroit.”   Which is like a crack addict saying “at least I’m not on heroin.”
You ever have that guy who hangs out for too long at your place?   Sure, he was cool for a while and had these neat little quirky sayings…like a decade earlier…but still thinks they’re cool today.  Randy Jackson announced today that he’s leaving American Idol.
Microsoft announced that Technicians worked out the nineteen issues with Software that they’ve been battling for 19 years.   They were waiting for the kids to get old enough so they could handle the truth.
Iran indicated that they responded to the letters they received from the U.S. Government last week, but that President Obama didn’t bother picking them up from the Iranian personal courier, Vladimir Putin, when they met today.
Everyone celebrating the Rosetta Comet Mission except for the four dweebs that effed up the harpoon system. They’ll probably just tell their grandkids that they worked on the solar panels.
A Montana man wants to rebrand the Ku Klux Klan as a nicer, more diverse organization that allows black members.  He’s planning to call his group ‘The Republican Party.’
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 10, 2014

Off My Medication 11-10-14

FBI crime statistics released today show that Detroit had the highest homicide rate among the nation’s big cities in 2013.   Detroit officials responded by saying, “We aren’t THAT big.”
A former University of North Carolina football player filed a lawsuit over the university faking classes and grades that never actually existed depriving him of an education…or at least he went to the courthouse to file suit, but mistakenly just ended up applying for a barber’s license.
Michelle Obama has already come out against America’s favorite meat…bacon.  And, today, President Obama took the firm position against high speed Internet confirming that someone is poisoning the White House water supply.
The U.S. Postal Service confirmed today that it has been victimized by a security intrusion into their communication system making Russian hackers the first to find a way to infect a rotary phone.
Leaders of China and Japan met during an Asian Summit and exchange an awkward handshake and even they couldn’t tell which one of them was Chinese and which was Japanese.
Due to the accidental poisoning of American children mistaking newly designed laundry detergent pods for candy, manufacturers are scrambling to make packaging less appealing to kids.  They are now placing a photo of their local Catholic parish priest on each pod.

An overhaul of the Pizza Hut menu is in the works.  They are hoping ‘ginger’ and ‘curry’ crusts might reverse their recent U.S. sales slide.   Maybe they should consider a Mountain Fresh flavor.
Government officials are hoping to avoid the sign up problems of last year by turning over operations to those most familiar with the inner workings of the American Internet…Russian hackers.
It isn’t just the Jewish population upset at Nicki Minaj about her new video “Only” use of Nazi imagery.  The Dictator’s Union has released a statement bashing the unrealistic video because that no maniacal leader could ever have an ass that would distract people from their tyranny.
Three more people were arrested by Fort Lauderdale police for violating a new city ordinance restricting groups from feeding the homeless outside.  Fort Lauderdale officials insist they’re just trying to beat San Antonio in the Homeless Biggest Loser contest.
After bombarding our TVs weather broadcasts with talk of the Polar Vortex for the entire winter of 2103, meteorologist are now correcting everyone saying last years crushing winter wasn’t the Polar Vortex…and what we are getting ready to get hit with won’t be the Polar Vortex either.  Thanks, meteorologists, for making me have to sit through the ‘smartest guy in the office’ repeating all the new crap you’re calling it this year.
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 9, 2014

Off My Medication 11-9-14

1.  The worlds top badminton player, Lee Chong Wei, failed two doping test and is banned from competition, but he’ll still be eligible to join the ladder ball circuit.
2.  George Takei  announced that he is ‘coming out’ for Hillary in 2016.  He’s just running out of stuff to come out for now.
3. Andy Dick was arrested last night and charged grand theft.  He’s accused of stealing a necklace from someone on the street, but he is claiming that he just borrowed for a party because it matched his broach.
 4. After the ill fated test vehicle crash, concerned passengers are asking for Virgin Spacecraft trip refunds.  They plan to do something less dangerous…like wrap themselves in raw meat suits and wrestle sharks in a swimming pool.
 5. A North Carolina minister has used his $100 “Never Ending Pasta Pass” from Olive Garden to eat 95 meals in the past six weeks.   He’s also put the ‘Gluttony’ sermon on hold since he’ll be spending some ‘never-ending’ time in the bathroom.
 6.  Two Americans being held in North Korea were suddenly sent home after winning a bet with Kim Jong Un that, no matter how much it seemed like they got along, Dennis Rodman wouldn’t even give him a re-tweet after getting back to the states.
7.  After years of speculation, Bill Cosby’s art collection was finally displayed at the Smithsonian Art Museum.  But visitors were disappointed to discover that his collection is comprised of 250 chocolate Popsicle sticks and his pudding sculptures titled ‘Pasture Patties of the Midwest.’
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 7, 2014

Off My Medication 11-7-14

1.  President Obama tried to write a secret letter to Iranian leader Ayatollah Khamenei about their fight against common foes.   Advisers managed to remove references to Senate Republicans, but left in the part about Islamic State militants.   The letter was a tightly held secret until the President had to ask how many stamps he needed for Standard Rate postage to Iran.

2.  Jon Stewart is taking some heat this week after he said, in a CNN interview, that he didn’t vote and then recanted later in the day saying that he was just kidding and actually did vote.   The Comedy Central ‘The Daily Show’ host is hoping to distract everyone by putting out a really shitty movie that everyone will hate.

 3.  Lincoln is attributing an increase in automobile sales following a series of Saturday Night Live parody skits last week of their Matthew McConaughey ads starring Jim Carrey.  Chevy, though, may have miscalculated this week by filming a series of Amanda Bynes commercials.

4.  Trying to capitalize on the success of the Lincoln car advertisements starring Matthew McConaughey, Crack has signed up Amanda Bynes.

 5.  The FBI is defending an agent impersonating an Associated Press reporter to lure a suspect out of hiding.   They’re saying that if criminals dumb enough to believe that there are still paid reporters walking around, then they get what they deserve.

6.  Despite a nearly impossible plot continuation after Toy Story 3 had Woody being given to another owner, the announcement came yesterday that Toy Story 4 will be released mid-2017.   Producers indicated that they didn’t find the plot too difficult to develop from atop their huge pile of cash.

 7.  I can sympathize with Ex-Navy Seal Robert O’Neill stepping forward and not wanting someone to take credit for killing Bin Laden.  There was  this one time we had a Secret Santa gift exchange and someone else was trying to take credit for the $25 Ikea gift card.

8. Sears stock prices jumped today after it was reported that someone under the age of 30 actually considered entering one of their stores.

 9.  With November upon us, radio stations are beginning to play Christmas music just in time to quench my thirst for a Johnny Mathis and Susan Boyle duet.

 10.  President Obama and congressional leaders hold cross-party talks with House and Senate leaders aimed at ending political gridlock and clearing up the near impossible task of clearing up confusion plaguing Washington.  If they prove they can do that, then maybe they can help me figure out the ending of Lost after all these years. 

 11.  An unnamed White House source confirmed that someone form the Brooklyn U.S. Attorney’s Office, Loretta Lynch, will be the next U.S. Attorney General ending her promising career as ‘Black Loretta Lynn.’

 12.  Russian President Vladimir Putin, says not to worry about the column of 32 Russian military vehicles and 16 howitzers cruising across the Russian border into Ukraine today, they’re just filming a Matthew McConaughey parody commercial.

 13.  ESPN is reporting that Tennessee Titans team president Tommy Smith says coach Whisenhunt and GM Webster are safe, adding their names to the ‘safe list’ which includes anyone who plays against the Tennessee Titans.

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | May 14, 2014

Click! Episode 3 “Wax on, Wax off”

This episode is what happens when four men get together on Skype…not that we were doing THIS when we came up with this one.

Well…maybe one of us could’ve been…but I’ll never tell who.

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