Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | June 25, 2015

Off My Medication 6-24-15


1.  Hillary Clinton is facing a backlash for saying that “all lives matter” in a Missouri Church a few miles north of Ferguson, Mo.  She quickly apologized saying that she accidentally confused it with another slogan from her campaign, “All Donations Matter.”
 
2.  Today, Google add an undo feature to Gmail, which allows a sender to ‘undo send’ any email.  Or the more useful option of getting back the email from your grandparents they sent to the ‘wealthy’ man stranded in Africa who is a poor speller.
 
3.  Krispy Kreme, which abandoned Chicago three years ago during the recession, announced yesterday that they are coming back to Chicago and a reappearance of ‘Big’ Oprah is soon to follow.
 
4.  Millennials are upset and telling Hillary Clinton that if she wants to inspire them that she should pay her interns and get them off of unemployment.  Hillary said she’d be willing to settle for something short of ‘inspiration’ if ‘willing participation’ was enough to get some front yard signs installed.
 
5.  British students have invented a condom that changes color when it come into contact with sexually transmitted diseases.  The invention would be perfect to help cut down on STDs if they could warn people five minutes sooner by inventing underwear that changed color.   
6.  Chris Christie is expected to announce next week that he is entering the arena of 2016 Republican Presidential candidates. He really should hurry, though, since a lot of the seats are taken…and if someone needs, say, an extra seat…for whatever reason someone might need a seat…and a little extra…he just might not want to be the last one trying to sit.
7.  In an attempt to draw more fans to hockey, NHL General Managers are expected to vote over the weekend to cut overtime play to only three skaters for each side.  It is a part of the long term plan to eventually end up with just two guys in the middle of the ice beating each other with sticks with the loser being the first one to lose all his teeth.
 
8.  The flight of the Solar Impulse, a Japanese plane that generates power from the sun’s energy, had its initial long flight from Japan to Hawaii delayed after they were unable to provide a flight plan for the potential 115 hour flight.   U.S. officials indicated they are still uneasy about Japanese planes flying unexpectedly into Hawaii.  
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | June 24, 2015

Off My Medication 6-23-15


1. In a Bleacher Report interview, NY Knicks President Phil Jackson criticized the individualistic style of play of LeBron James. Jackson indicated that he longs for the days when non-athletic pasty guys could get together in an empty gym and pass a basketball around while wearing testicle choking shorts.
 
2.  Passengers aboard a United Airlines flight from Rome to Chicago finally reached their destination late Sunday after a 30-hour delay due to a disgruntled passenger.  Upon arriving in Chicago, the unruly passenger apologized, saying he mistakenly thought the plane was being diverted to Cleveland, explaining his reaction.
 
3.  KFC says tests of a viral photo of an oddly-shaped fried chicken tender was ‘a hoax,’ and not a rat.   Sadly, the analysis was actually a comparative taste test at a local Korean restaurant, confirming it wasn’t a rat.
 
4.  Following the recent events in South Carolina, Walmart, Amazon and eBay quickly proclaimed that confederate themed goods would be pulled from their stock. Sears attempted to join with in the other major retailers, but unfortunately, it wasn’t 1990 and they were forced to sit in the room and wait to announce with JoAnn Fabrics.
 
5.  A Stanford study warns that the earth has entered its sixth mass extinction phase and the time we have to avoid dramatic consequences is rapidly running out.  Scientists advise that we must not repeat the mistakes made during the Paleozoic Era not heading the warnings of the Einsteinasaurus. 
 
6.  The first major lead into the whereabouts of escaped murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat came with the discovery of prison-issue underwear in a remote hunting cabin in upstate New York.   The mothers of the two escapees issues a joint statement announcing that they were pleased with their boys for packing clean underwear before their trip.
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | June 19, 2015

Off My Medication 6-19-15


1.  President Obama, at a Tyler Perry fundraiser in Hollywood yesterday, compared his life in the White House to a prison sentence.  Which explains why Obama has been hitting on the Presidential seamstress for the past two weeks.
 
2.  The BBC admits that their prototype app, ‘Mind Control TV,’  needs to have a few bugs worked out before release.   The application allowing users to change the channels to whatever they were thinking about seemed to get all buggy when the programmer’s TVs kept scrolling through channels, only stopping when finding boobs.
 
3.  Def Jam founder Russell Simmons says that Kim Kardashian would make a better president than Donald Trump.   Evidently, Trump’s billions in net worth doesn’t carry as much weight as Kim Kardashian’s assets.
 
4.  After successful trials in San Diego, McDonald’s is expanding their all-day breakfast test to even more cities that just can’t manage to be bothered getting up for breakfast before 10:30 am.
 
5.  Marvel sources deny that they’re not attending the San Diego Comic-Con for the first time in years just because Star Wars will be dominating the July event, but they can’t help but look like small dude in the men’s locker room waiting to shower after all the big guys are gone.
 
6.  Researchers announced that they’ve developed a vaccine that can protect against chlamydia.   They can finally confirm success after conducting the six week trials at the most like transmission location–Madonna’s 2015 Tour entourage rehearsals.
 
7.  The streaming music service, Spotify, celebrated landing former Netflix executive Barry McCarthy.  McCarthy is credited with coming up with the creative practices that led to the success of Netflix, but disappointed the team with his idea to relaunch Spotify by sending red sleeves stuffed with music disks in the mail.
 
8.  Warner Brothers executives are concerned about the creative differences on the upcoming Captain Sully film, since the team can’t agree on who will play the co-pilot.   Star Tom Hanks wants the role to be played by a half-inflated volleyball, but director Clint Eastwood thinks it is a great idea is to have Hanks spend the entire film talking to an empty chair.
 
9.  Despite the Apple Watch only being two months old, rumors of upgrades in the next release are already being leaked.  The next version is believed to include a video camera on the watch to allow wears to use the newest app PeeTime.
 
10.  Despite the apparent increase in shark attacks, a study of animals caused deaths from 2001 to 2013 indicates a person is more like to be killed by a cow than attacked by a shark.    A representative of the Shark Union denies that any of their members sponsored the study and invites everyone to get back in the water.
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | June 18, 2015

Off My Medication 6-18-15


1.  During an interview on the Today Show, Rachel Dolezal denied she is a white woman pretending to be black, claiming that she’s not sure her white parents are her real parents by saying, ‘I haven’t had a DNA test.’   Producers immediately ran to the roof and turned on a signaling beam, alerting Maury of the emergency.
2.  It is being reported that Brian Williams, who became embroiled in controversy over the exaggeration of events in his past, will not return as the NBC Nightly News anchor, but  will be assigned to handling emergency events on MSNBC…like fixing Ronan Farrow’s hair during commercial breaks.
 
3.  Insiders are revealing that Donald Trump hired $50 actors for his Presidential announcement.   The Donald was able to get them on short notice since he had a lot of connections with out-of-work and available actors from Celebrity Apprentice.
 
4.  AT&T is claiming a bait and switch tactic was used after saying they were offered a deal for $75 million by the Justice Department only to have an extra 25% tacked in the agreement fine print that went unnoticed before signature.  AT&T officials were heard initially protesting, saying that, “… they recognize this tactic because they…er…nevermind.”
 
5.  Planned Parenthood announced that they are launching a new service allowing people to be screened for chlamydia and gonorrhea by simply using an app on their cell phone.   Fortunately the app, once installed, will not be able to be removed and will render it ineligible for service provider return programs regardless of the test results.
 
6.  The Florida village of Wellington is forcing a Bill Gates Trust to pay $30,000 in fines.  The court documents are only referring to a ‘horse manure issue.’  Insider information from Wellington officials indicate that ‘Horse Manure’ was the project name given to the installation of Windows 8 as their new operating systems.
 
7.  Frederic Auburtin, the director of ‘United Passions’, the $30 million propaganda-filled film about the world soccer body FIFA that grossed only $918 in the U.S. says that he’s now I’m seen “as bad as the guy who brought AIDS to Africa” or the guy “who caused the financial crisis or FIFA President Sepp Blatter.
 
8.  An official at the California Labor Commission dismissed Uber’s claim that their drivers are actual employees and not independent operators of their smart phone-based ride hailing service .   The ruling opens to door for drivers to obtain insurance, but they will probably not be able to touch as many of the riders.
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | December 6, 2014

Off My Medication 12-5-14


President Obama selected Ashton Carter as his new Secretary of Defense.   He should really consider coming up with a tougher sounding guy.   ‘Ashton Carter’ sounds more like a person to appoint as ‘Secretary of Boy Bands.’
A New York City woman holding her baby in a chest carrier was kicked in the back by a local mugger.   It is a part of Kinder/Gentler Bronx Mugging Initiative.
DTE Energy reported massive power outages in Detroit this week.   Officials indicated that it has nothing to do with Detroit not being able to pay it’s bill.
Earlier this week, Snooki’s husband agreed to plead guilty to Driving While Intoxicated, but is holding onto his ‘insanity’ plea for Marrying Under the Influence.
Iowa Police say that Marvin Hill became upset and a McChicken sandwich at his wife because he doesn’t like them.  Mrs. Hill is responding by giving him a month of McFlurry.
Papa Johns stores in Philadelphia delivered on their promise to give out free pizzas when the 76ers ended their 0-17 skid with an 85-77 victory over the Minnesota Timberwolves on Wednesday night.   Minnesota fans were rewarded by getting free boiled cabbage crammed into their mailboxes.
Japan’s Takata Corporation has refused to impose a mandatory recall of their airbags that could explode and soot out shrapnel.  They have passed that decision onto someone who they partner with their business partners…automakers, which is almost as good of an idea as letting local prosecutors investigate local law enforcement personnel.
The Justice Department is accusing two Florida for-profit colleges of using strippers to lure students to their schools.    Law Enforcement officials were tipped off to the scheme when other local businesses reported shortages of toupees and red convertibles.
Baltimore Ravens’ lineman Haloti Ngata was suspended 4 games by NFL for Adderall use and his parents were fined for improper consonant use on his birth certificate.
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | December 1, 2014

Off My Medication 12-1-14


K-Mart announced their big holiday sale of a 50% discount on all Hasbro games, establishing themselves as the place old people can go who have no clue what to buy anyone under the age of 20.
RedBox Announced today that they’ll be raising DVD rental rated by 25%.  This move solidified RedBox’s position as the K-Mart of the TV and movie distribution industry.
Interviews on the street with protesting Boston cab drivers indicated their issue with Uber wasn’t actually with the ride sharing service, but with the fact that most the cabbies were just ex-Blockbuster employees frustrated by making poor career decisions.
The U.S. Supreme Court is expected to rule on whether Facebook posts are considered a 1st Amendment privilege and the larger question of ‘Which Disney Princess is Antonin Scalia.’
American officials announced that a U.S. businessman has been imprisoned by Russian police for breaking a window.   Russian officials scoffed at claims by U.S. criminal justice authorities who called this too severe of a punishment for the crime.
Amazon rolled out 15,000 foreign manufactured robots prior to today’s Cyber Monday rush.  House Republicans are complaining that these robots are taking jobs from perfectly capable American robots with families to support.
The NY Jets play the Miami Dolphins tonight on Monday Night Football.  Coach Rex Ryan announced that he’ll be giving Gino Smith another shot at being skewered by the New York press.
Critics are questioning President Obama for meeting with Ferguson activists late this afternoon.  President Obama responded by saying, “What?  It gets dark too early to get in a round of golf?”
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 26, 2014

Thanksgiving Cheer


Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket:

It’s that time of year again.

Originally posted on Ignore the Buckles on My Jacket:

It is time for the annual Thanksgiving story…this year…put to prose…

Thanksgiving Cheer

By Steve Burgess (@ElectricianPlus)

It was Thanksgiving morning

Of my seventh year

We were headed to Grandma’s

For some Holiday cheer

My siblings in tow to the Hornet we went

But mother saw, I had angst for this event

Each year, it was a struggle

I remembered it well

Mother had a big problem

An issue to quell

Not a thing to do with the Lions losing

Or my dad, stuffed, in the La-Z-Boy snoozing

It was the candied yams

Covered in marshmallow

And creamy green beans smothered

With Portobello?

The marshmallows were topped with some kind of nut

Every year my defense would get lost in rebut

Image

Image

Mother said she could fix this

“You should worry naught”

They taste nasty when cold, but

“It tastes better hot”

She spoke with confidence.  She had to be right

View original 263 more words

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 24, 2014

Off My Medication 11-24-14


China announced today that one of their top Olympian swimmers had a positive test three months ago and has finished serving her suspension.   Chinese officials later apologized for the late announcement and said that they will immediately return to not telling anyone about anything.
Ex-DC Mayor, Marion Berry, passed away this weekend at the age of 78.   Representatives indicate he was comfortable with leaving this earth since he already had the torch passing exchange earlier this year with ex-Toronto Mayor Rob Ford…make that the crack pipe exchange.
President Obama said, in an interview this weekend, that voters generally fall in love with the ‘New Car’ smell of a fresh politician and that it takes a while for them to recognize them as the scent of ‘Freshly Scraped from the Bottom of a Shoe.’
Today, Netflix released a suggestion list of thirteen movies to watch during the Thanksgiving.  The list was previously titled ’13 movies it’s better to fall asleep after watching the first 15 minutes.’
After a round of golf this weekend with former Derek Jeter in Las Vegas, President Obama told the former Yankees’ captain not to worry about taking care of the club restroom attendant since he just gave him a tip by granting his whole family citizenship.
E-Cigarettes from China are spreading Malware through their USB charger.  Manufacturers are downplaying the issue since they stuck a warning label on the side of each one.
“The Queen Latifah Show” will be ending after this season.   After sub par season one ratings, Queen Latifah vowed to be more like herself for season two, and the ratings actually got worse.   I could’ve told her this wouldn’t work since I tried the same strategy between the 9th and 10th grade.
The New York Times has re-established itself as the pillar of American journalism by correcting an article where they refer to quotes from Kanye West comparing his butt to Kim Kardashian’s.
Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 20, 2014

Off My Medication 11-20-14


‘Achocolypse’ is being used to describe the expected chocolate shortage due a lack of workers in Africa to pick the beans.  The word ‘Achocolypse’ was chosen for this horrible condition because ‘Ebola’ was already taken.
Netflix and NBC both announced they postponing Bill Cosby’s upcoming stand-up comedy special and sitcom despite the fact that he was nice enough to mix them drinks during their negotiations.
Former Virginia Democrat Senator Jim Webb announces the opening of a Exploratory Committee to become Hillary’s first 2016 victim.
North Korea responded to United Nation threats by inviting former Chicago Bulls shooting guard Craig Hodges to hang with Kim Jong Un for the weekend.

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | November 19, 2014

Off My Medication 11-19-14


With approximately 50% of the United States covered in snow, Republicans are claiming their recent election victory also cured the world of global warming.   But now, you say that you’re ass deep in show and can’t get anywhere, the Republicans respond with, ‘You’re welcome!”
In anticipation of President Obama’s big executive action immigration announcement tomorrow in Las Vegas, the city is getting ready by setting the over/under at five million.
The NY Times reports that MSNBC host and civil rights leader Al Sharpton owes more than $4.5 Million in federal and state taxes.   Remarkable though, that he only owes his tailor and suit maker $21.75.
Last night, CNN host Don Lemon asked a woman accusing Bill Cosby of drugging and raping her, why she just didn’t bite him and therefore, completely reversing the stereotype that gay men actually ‘get’ women.
The Smoking Gun is reporting that a 350 pound man was arrested at a Walmart sitting on stolen ribeye steaks while on his scooter.   This is completely discriminatory, bringing his weight into the story.   It was at Walmart, it can just be assumed that he was 350 pounds.
NTSB indicates that Government aircraft regulations will apply to drones, which means that, prior to takeoff, users will be charged extra for things that used to be free and get frisked by a complete stranger.
Washington DC Mayor Vincent Gray rejected a corruption probe plea deal saying that he’d feel better being judged by a panel of his peers…former DC Mayors.
The future mother-in-law of Charles Manson says she’s concerned about her daughter’s engagement, but it isn’t like she’s marrying an NFL running back.
The NFL suspended Adrian Peterson for the remainder of the season giving him more time to add to his Facebook ”Which States do you Have a Baby Momma in” map.
This week, states are taking part in a national initiative designed to increase the number of 1st generation students pursuing a higher education…since everyone who’s already attended a state funded college is too far in debt to have another family member qualify for a student loan.

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